Plea to Parents of Fat Kids

On By jodietitianIn Uncategorized2 Comments

lookHave you ever been in a situation where you witnessed a parent doing or saying something to a child that you felt was wrong? Did you say something, or did you bite your tongue? Sometimes, don’t you just want to say “are you kidding me? You did not just say that. Do you not realize how stupid that is???” Well, I have felt that way, many, many times when I worked almost exclusively with “obese” children and teenagers as an outpatient dietitian. I felt like saying not-nice things to parents, siblings. and even other health care professionals (such as the pediatricians who referred them). I just could not believe the stupidity (not a nice word, and I never use it, however it is how I felt at the time). But, it is not stupidity at all as most of the people and a majority of the parents I worked with were very intelligent. Really smart. But when it came to how they treated their children, or how they treated their patients, well, they just were not wise. Not wise at all. And it truly broke my heart…..I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t because, well, I would have lost my job and then I could never help anyone at all.

This is a topic I am passionate about, and I already vented a bit in 5 Things You Should Never Do if your doctor tells you your child is overweight. But I want to take it a step further. I think it was something I saw in a little girl’s face that touched something in me last week, and I can’t forget it. I was leaving the Nutrition Office where I am temporarily covering an afternoon here and there, and as I was walking out at the end of the day I noticed a little girl sitting in the waiting area. She was with her mom, kind of clung to her, waiting to see the dietitian. She was probably 6 or 7 years old and was likely starting the weight management group program (or maybe was already going and just coming for a follow up, I don’t know….but from the look on her face, she looked as if she was on death row). Just to be clear, this “weight management program” does NOT focus on losing weight for children. It is expertly organized and run under the guidance of a very experienced, sensitive and wise psychologist. The focus is on the family as a whole with an emphasis on everyone improving their lifestyle to get healthier. The name of the program has absolutely nothing to do with weight, which is a good thing. The problem is what happens when the child goes home.

Just as with picky eaters, parents of “overweight”or “obese” or “chubby” or “fat” kids (however they are labeled by family, friends, doctors) tend to get treated in an “old-school” way of thinking. For picky eaters, for instance, we learned way back when to make a child “clean your plate”, or “finish those peas” or you won’t get dessert. Just because parents have been doing that for decades does not mean it works or is the right thing to do. We now know this promotes even pickier eating, kids growing up to be adults obsessed with sweets (because when you are 32 you can skip the darn peas and go straight to the dessert). It doesn’t work.

The same holds true for children and weight. The minute the child gets wind that a parent is concerned about his weight or body size, things change. The first mention of “do you really need that?” starts the ball rolling. Sometimes parents start making comments like this after a yearly check up when the pediatrician may mention something about BMI. Sometimes it is just the parent noticing a change in their child’s body. Often times, I have encountered parents, usually those with body image concerns of their own who are the worst offenders. They “don’t want their child to go through what I did” so they are going to make them skinny NOW. Or upper class, professional parents where it is important to portray a certain image, and having a larger size child or teenager does not reflect well on them. Everything needs to be perfect, including everyone’s bodies. I know this sounds crazy, but trust me, I have seen it. These cases especially trigger me and I have to use all of my personal resources regarding counseling skills and self-control to avoid saying something I will regret. What I want to say is “don’t you see how your failure to accept your kid for who they are is affecting their self-esteem? How can you be so shallow?” But I don’t because the reality is these are all good, loving parents who care about their kids. They are doing the best they can. Their intentions are good. The repercussions are really bad though, so I need to say something.

Not everyone accepts what I have to say. I usually try to focus on the research regarding restricting children, or even what happens when adults diet. This almost always leads to more focus on food, binge eating, eating disorders and yes, weight gain. When I ask if they notice any sneaking of food, inevitably the parent says yes. It starts when the child is restricted. So that often opens the door to the parent considering a different approach, such as focusing on health for the entire family. But it still is not easy for parents to change. They truly do want to help their kids, but it is complicated because of the parent’s relationship with food, their own body image concerns and dieting history, their beliefs about weight and healthy, their values, etc.

So what is my plea to parents? First ask yourself these questions:

  1. Do you feel that your child’s body size reflects on you as a parent?
  2. Do you feel you are a failure or did something wrong because your child does not have a thin body like their friends?
  3. Do you make comments about your body, your children’s bodies, other people’s bodies?
  4. Do you weigh your child EVER at home? Do you talk about that number?
  5. Do you allow anyone in your home to talk about another’s weight or body?
  6. Have you changed your behavior toward your child’s eating after a pediatrician visit where you were told something about weight?
  7. Do you forbid one child from eating certain foods but allow others in the home to have it? Do you limit portion sizes for just one child and not others?
  8. Do you force your child or teenager to use a treadmill, exercise bike or other forms of exercise to help them lose weight even if they do not enjoy it?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, my guess is your child or teenager is getting a few messages from you that may harm them, either now or in the future. The messages are:

  1. I am not ok the way I am.
  2. My body size is important in life. That number on the scale defines me.
  3. I should feel bad if I eat certain foods.
  4. Exercise is not fun.
  5. If I lose weight my parents will be happy.

Are these the beliefs you want your kid to carry with them on to their adult lives? Do you carry these beliefs as an adult? How has it worked for YOU?

What is the alternative? It is never too late to create a shift to a healthier relationship with food, eating and weight. You CAN help your children grow up to be the best they can be in every way including body size. You just need to accept the fact that we have absolutely no control on what are bodies want to be (that is in our genes). You can however work on your family’s lifestyle to promote health. You can work hard to accept the goal of feeling good and being healthy instead. Now that is a pretty good message to send to your kids I think. How do you do that? Here is a way to start:

  1. Throw away your scale. Vow to focus on promoting healthy behaviors and not the force of gravity on your body.
  2. Treat every single person who lives in your home the same when it comes to food.
  3. Talk about health, not weight or bodies.
  4. Defend your child. Do not allow anyone at anytime in any place to talk about your child’s body. That means siblings, dad, mom, aunts, uncles, grandma and grandpa.It also includes the doctor. Warn them ahead of time. Tell them you do not want to draw attention to weight. Assure them you are educating yourself about healthy eating and exercise (you can actually ask for a referral to a Registered Dietitian for help with healthy eating, but be sure the dietitian also knows you do not want to focus on weight, just health). Remember, your pediatrician is trained to look at numbers such as BMI and is obligated to diagnose “obesity” however they do not need to talk about it, especially in front of a child.
  5. Do not give your child a “look” when they are eating something, or taking a second helping. They will sense your judgement and it will hurt them. Remember, if you are offering healthy meals and opportunities for fun movement, your child will be fine. They need to learn to listen to their own bodies, and when the emphasis is not on restricting and controlling every morsel they eat, eventually they become less focused on food and eating. All kids are different and it depends on what they have already gone through, as well as their own genetic and psychological make-up. Your job is to set an example of a healthy lifestyle, that is how your children will know what matters. If they see you jumping on a scale every day followed by a reaction from you depending on that number, they learn that is what matters.
  6. Get help. If this is really hard for you for whatever reason, consider getting some support. If you have eating issues of your own, or if you are stuck in a diet mentality, or are afraid of getting rid of your scale don’t give up. I have worked with many women with eating disorders who fear they will somehow pass on their issues to their children. Just their awareness of their own issues really helps.

So my plea in a nutshell is, please let go of it. Let go of our culture’s focus on body size. Let go of thinking you and your entire family have to look a certain way, otherwise you are not a good parent. Instead, embrace caring about health. This does not mean eating perfectly or exercising a certain amount of time every day. It means moving in a direction that feels good and makes sense. If you could have seen that little girl’s face in the waiting room that day, you would understand. Please don’t do that to your child.

 

 

Summertime Eating Challenges: Dieters verses Normal Eaters

On By jodietitianIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

We just can’t control ourselves. The plans and preparation started over a month ago. What began as a small fun thing to do to add to our neighbor’s July 4th annual picnic has evolved into a huge production and we love every minute of it. Our annual “Infused Fruit by the Fountain” keeps growing in the variety of infused fruits as well as the number of people who come to sample it. This year in addition to the Fireball Cherries, glazed rum pineapple, Rum Raison bananas, infused mixed fruit, and others we added cheesecake cherries (infused with vanilla and cake vodka, rolled in cheese cake cream cheese and dipped in crushed graham crackers) as well as Pina Colada pineapples. And there was more.

The weather was perfect this year for our annual July 4th Celebration with our neighbors and my guess is 100 people came to share salads, casseroles, desserts, eat burgers and dogs, listen to a live band and finally to enjoy our Fruit by the Fountain. What a great time, and yet, again, it struck me how powerful a topic food and eating and dieting and body image is. Besides Donald Trump jokes, comments and remarks about diets unfortunately filled some conversations. Don’t get me wrong, I feel passionately about promoting health and I love hearing about healthy changes people make. When people start cooking for once and making healthy meals instead of grabbing fast food, they do feel better. When they cut down on drinking or stop smoking, they feel better too. One friend I know started really getting into yoga, she absolutely loves it and her increased energy level and fitness level show. Yes, she has lost weight but her smile and what she talks about is all the cool stuff she can do now (from someone who can’t do a simple cartwheel anymore, trust me, that is a great accomplishment when you are over the age of 40). What struck me is that not everyone looks through the same glasses when it comes to picnics and celebrations and food. For some, this kind of thing is a blast, but for others, it is anything but fun.

I often refer to a “spectrum” or continuum when it comes to how people feel about food and eating, with severe eating disorders or eating issues on one end and absolutely normal eaters on the other end (whatever that means, a topic on its own). It is important to reflect on where you are and how you deal with crazy food situations such as this (not to mention there was a pool involved, so bathing suits often another issue altogether, combined with eating and drinking, well, that is enough to put some over the edge). The mumbling I heard that day went something like this:

“I feel so bloated”     “I’ll start again tomorrow”    “why did I just eat that?!”

You get the picture. What strikes me is that people truly believe something big is going to happen to their bodies in just one day of eating differently. It truly becomes a “head game”. Some people make healthy changes to their diets, start to feel better, but because they weigh themselves every day they see the normal fluctuations that occur (which are usually just fluid shifts because of more sodium, less protein, more carbohydrates, or even hormonal changes). For those eating lower carb diets, an increase will usually result in some water weight gain since our bodies lose water on low carb diets.  Also, most people eat more on picnic days or at parties than they normally do, but if you think of a “normal eater”, they probably are not thinking about calories and instead probably eating foods they enjoy. Truly “intuitive” eaters will notice a smaller appetite in the days after they may have consumed more than normal, and over time, their bodies naturally balance out. I often have told my patients to think about the reality: if it takes roughly 3,500 calories to equal a pound, and if we use an estimated 2,000 calories as a maintenance level for an average female to maintain their weight, that person would need to consume 5,500 calories to really “gain” a true pound. That is not easy to do, even at a picnic, since there is only so much one tummy can hold. It just “feels” like a lot because for those who diet and tune out their normal body signals to restrict, even a normal amount of food can feel like overeating (hence, the feeling of “bloated”). Yes, if this person jumps on a scale the day after a big picnic, the extra water that clings onto the carbs and sodium may add up to several “pounds” but these are not actually real body weight, remember. The reality is just going over your typical calorie intake by even a few thousand calories STILL will NOT equal even 3/4 of a pound. So why waste half the day worrying and stressing when you should be savoring every minute of such a beautiful day with friends, family and fun?

Instead, why not try to think about tuning in to your body especially at large picnics where you may have experienced discomfort in the past (can you relate?) For example, try looking ahead at the foods being offered before you start eating. Some people who are “breaking their diet” for the day tend to over eat foods they actually really don’t even enjoy that much (“I can’t have this tomorrow, I’m going back on my diet”) and so they may overeat cookies (the kind you can get anywhere), or hot dogs (you can make any day) or chips and dip, etc. Instead, a “normal eater” usually picks their favorite. That special potato salad Merri Jo makes (that they can’t replicate), or Bobby’s fried peppers and sausage they love but will never make at home, or Michelle’s amazing caramel brownies. Yummy foods to truly enjoy….without feeling guilty and knowing your body knows how much to eat…if you truly practice listening.

There are more picnics and holidays to come this summer. Enjoy the variety of foods you get to try, work on listening to your body, accept mistakes, and that this may be a learning process on what works for YOU as far as falling into a healthy (and happy) lifestyle. There is no right or wrong, just learning.

In the meantime…..time for some leftover fruit!

Carbs, Protein and Fat: How much?

On By jodietitianIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

buffet-variations-1321243“What percentage of my diet should be carbs? What about fat? and how much protein do I need?” I get this question all the time and usually give the same answer: do you really want to think about that every day?  The point is, even as a dietitian who is somewhat good in math I would never want to calculate these figures on a daily basis. Even using an app. But many people are confused about this, they hear things at the gym, their marathon running friends are carb loading, or maybe they saw a magazine headline at the grocery store check out. Not to mention goals of losing weight, which usually are part of the motivation to find the best combo of macronutrients that could be the magic answer.

As far as recommendations that would provide a “balanced” diet here is the general guide:

Carbs: 45-65%          Fat: 20-35%               Protein: 10-35%

Many are surprised that our diets should be at least half carbohydrates, with all the low carb diets out there, it may not make sense. Remember, everyone is different and it is important to consider your own health history, metabolism and body. There are some patients I have worked with who respond differently to carbohydrates (such as those with PCOS or polycystic ovarian syndrome) and balancing carbs with protein is important to prevent increases in insulin. And for the average person who wants to maintain a certain level of blood glucose, including protein in a meal definitely helps. It is more about balance and less about avoidance or restricting.

But what if you really did want to figure out what percentage of your diet is protein for example? I do know people who eat a lot of protein thinking it will help them build muscle (just yesterday at lunch a young twenty-something year old teacher had two bunless cheeseburgers on his plate….nothing else). You first would need to know the total amount of calories you ate in a day (nothing I would ever recommend doing, but just to demonstrate how ridiculous and irritating it would be), let’s use 2000 calories as an example.Then 10% of this would be 200 calories. That means 200 calories as a minimum should come from protein. Since protein has 4 calories per gram, that means 200 divided by 4 is 50. So the answer is 50 grams of protein is 10 percent of calories from protein in a 2000 calorie diet. An ounce of meat has 7 grams of protein, so 7 ounces of meat would just about meet the 50 grams. But protein also comes from other foods, even cereals and grains, dairy, beans, nuts and pasta have some protein. See why it would not be too fun to try to figure out? Even for one day, pretty irritating. So what should you do if you want to eat a healthy balanced diet?

I did do a brief review of the research regarding macronutrients and health as well as weight. To put it simply, I could not find any new breaking news regarding macronutrients and weight. Low glycemic index diets do not result in more weight loss as far as current research (that means low carb). The one macronutrient mentioned as affecting both health and weight was fiber. There were several studies that suggested a high fiber diet was beneficial for both health and weight. This means more fruits, veggies and whole grains. Now that is not exactly a newsflash, but does reinforce a “health” approach to eating verses a “weight loss” approach or trying to limit a certain food group. That is why the government came up with the simple “My Plate” illustrating half the plate as “colors”, or fruits and vegetables, a quarter of the plate whole grains and a quarter of the plate protein food, as well as dairy on the side. The message I like to send is variety, not restriction. I don’t think it is “dieting” to try to add more fruits and vegetables to your meals. If you throw strawberries in your salad or an apple in your lunch bag, it makes sense because you enjoy them. This kind of move toward healthier eating does not seem stressful to me. It does not take too much thinking (too much thinking about eating is not health promoting, and tends to add stress which is NOT good for health). If you don’t take the My Plate idea too far (you don’t have to have the perfect plate every meal), then it is a good general and simple guide.

If you are interested in more specifics regarding dietary recommendations, see Dietary Reference Intakes however please keep in mind we all have different needs, and not everyone eats or needs exactly the same amount of a nutrient. These are general recommendations.

The Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics also has a position paper (2002) on the topic called Total Diet Approach. Although it mentions the outdated Food Pyramid it also describes a way of eating where “all foods can fit” and again, stresses the importance of focusing on health without trying to be perfect. If you like a food, any food, you need to fit it in. It is the average intake of nutrients over an entire week for instance that matters. So even if you eat twinkies for all three meals one day, it does not matter….over time.

Bottom line: keep it simple. Learn from listening to your own body. Good old boring common sense…….

 

 

 

 

Food, Eating and Health: Surviving Stressful Times

On By jodietitianIn Uncategorized4 Comments

Have you ever tried salami on a cinnamon raisin English muffin? Add a slice of provolone and some mayo and amazingly, it is not half bad. That was the only thing I could put together from the fridge for my bag lunch for work one day last week (or was it the week before?). My dad was very ill and did not have long to live, so all of us spent as much time with him and my mom as we could. Grocery shopping was not the priority at the time and so salami and cinnamon was it.

Not only was eating affected, so was sleep and my normal physical activity. Because I would often go straight to my mom’s after work (when I usually go for a walk or garden or do anything physical, my mental sanity) this was not happening. Consequently, my sleep was affected. We all were out of sync, especially my mom who so bravely administered his feeding and morphine every 3 hours through a G-Tube. He was very weak but still would try to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, so my mom barely slept for fear of him falling. This amazing woman who cooked wonderful home made soups (minestrone and spinach soup her specialties) almost daily was pretty much living on coffee, ice cream, crackers or whatever we brought her. We started to frequent Big Steve’s, a tiny local joint famous for burgers (think super size) and 99 take-out. Anything fast to keep her going.

After my father passed and she was justifiably unmotivated to cook for herself, one Sunday while my husband was working on fixing her doorbell, I decided to make some food that could last a while. I wanted to make something that would assure she would get some protein and energy (instead of grabbing a quick sweet thing like she usually does, my mom is like me, sometimes we don’t want to take the time, too much to do!). She absolutely loves my bean and corn salad, which lasts a long time so I made a huge batch (simply frozen corn, defrosted, rinsed chick peas and black beans, red onion, garlic, grated carrots, and lots of fresh cilantro, salt and pepper). I also made my specialty turkey burgers, fried them, wrapped them individually and froze most of them so she could defrost as she needed (to ground turkey I add diced red onion, green and red pepper, more garlic, shredded carrots, grated Romano cheese or cheddar, steak or A-1 sauce, salt and pepper). After just one good meal of this, she said she felt better, and realized she needed to take care of herself.

Have you ever gone through something stressful, maybe a loss such as ours, or even planning for a holiday, wedding, or other major event, studying for exams, moving to a new home, even just traveling and found yourself out of sync? We are all in our own little worlds when it comes to our routines of simple daily life. We tend to do the same things every day, get up at a certain time, work the same hours, eat at certain times, etc. Some people are much more rigid than others. With eating, there is somewhat of a spectrum or range of “normal” eating verses “disordered” eating, and this applies to exercise, too. There are those who are really “resilient” and are able to deal well when their world is turned upside down. They may eat healthy or exercise regularly, sleep normal hours etc., but it does not phase them when life suddenly throws a curve ball and priorities have to change for a time. They “go with the flow”. Life does not fall apart just because they miss a work out or a run, or because they have not eaten a vegetable in 5 days. They are able to manage on 5 hours of sleep instead of their usual 8 because other things matter more.  In time, life returns to normal, and they know nothing was lost that really matters, they have the rest of their lives to eat healthy, sleep well and be active. Nothing changes. Of course, I am talking about people who don’t weight themselves or time their runs or have expectations for themselves other than feeling good and taking care of themselves.

On the other end of this spectrum of normal verses disordered I have known many who really struggle with change, and who totally crash when their world is shaken up. Some people just HAVE to run 5 miles, or HAVE to have their veggies at every meal or NEVER eat fast food. They truly get stressed out about absolutely any change in their routine, their food intake or their sleep. The dialogue in their head probably goes something like this: “I can’t eat that, I will gain weight! If I don’t get my run in, I will get out of shape. OMG I have not exercised in 3 days! I am disgusting.” Those who suffer from compulsive exercise or weight obsession, or even just obsession with being healthy truly struggle with change. Even “normal” eaters and those who have what appears to be a “normal” physical activity regime can be thrown by change and can find themselves worrying. I often hear people blabbing about “feeling guilty” just for eating something.

This past month I realized what a gift it is to be resilient. Some take for granted the gift it is to be able to eat whatever is available and have no problem with it. To not be addicted to an exercise regime is also something to be thankful for (and I know many people who call themselves “lazy” and wish they could be more committed to exercise and will think I am crazy). But the reality is that many people really do suffer from exercise addiction and it affects people’s lives daily. This is not what we want when we recommend being more active for health reasons. So be happy if you don’t have to exercise compulsively.

Unfortunately, events are going to happen in our lives that we just can’t avoid. Wherever you may lie on that spectrum or continuum of eating and exercise behavior, here are some pointers of dealing with upsidedownness if it happens to you:

  1. Remember the reality: your body does not really change much in a few days or even a few weeks. Even if you may gain or lose a few pounds or lose a bit of endurance or muscle mass, in time your body will return to normal (that is assuming you have a normal eating and exercise routine)
  2.  Pay attention to how you feel. My mom was so happy to feel better after she finally had a good meal. Sometimes, you don’t realize that your exhaustion is related to lack of energy (in the form of calories). Even if it has to be a take out order, eat at least one good meal.
  3. Stay hydrated. You can survive without the perfect diet, but not without water. Carrying a water bottle that you can refill to get at least 8 cups a day will help keep your digestion more regular (not getting enough fiber during crazy times can cause constipation, not fun, water helps. Carrying fruit with you also helps). If it is hot weather, you may need even more. If your urine is dark yellow, it means you aren’t getting enough.
  4. Welcome the support of others. Sometimes it is hard to accept generosity from neighbors and friends, but when people offer to help, they really mean it. It makes THEM happy. So be thankful for that hot chicken pot pie that is dropped off at dinner time. Be grateful for the cold cut platter and rolls from the neighbor. When someone offers to pick up some food, say ok. One day you will return the favor.
  5. If you struggle with a compulsive exercise routine, try to look at missing your workout in a different, more positive way. How about being thankful for an opportunity to give your body a rest? I have know many people (myself included) who are amazed at how good they feel when they get back to their normal routine after having a break from it. It feels so good to truly be rested.
  6. Look outside of yourself for the many sources of joy and beauty available to you even during times of stress and change. Take a few minutes to chat with your best friend. Notice the birds, the flowers, spend a few minutes in a beautiful garden. Enjoy a cup of coffee or tea in a quiet spot. Read a reflective book or spiritual quotes. Watch the sun set. Take a long hot shower or bath and truly relax, even if it can only be a short time at the end of the day.
  7. Practice NOW. Even before anything happens, I strongly recommend changing things up in your life. NOW is the time to assess the kind of person you are. Are you bent on eating the same thing for lunch every day? Do you freak out if you have to miss your run? Now is the time to try something different. Maybe just once a week or even once a month, take a hike instead of run. Go to the mall and skip it altogether. Maybe get a slice of pizza for dinner with ice cream for dessert, heck with veggies for a night. Does that sound hard? I am not saying to let go of eating healthy, I just think it is important to address rigidity in life. Being too rigid can really add to your stress level.

There are probably many other bits of advice that will come to mind in the weeks to come. But today I am sitting in a beautiful garden at a place called the Book Barn in Niantic, CT, finally taking a week off now that life has almost returned to normal. I have let go of my guilt due to my failure to write a weekly blog post last week. That may be one more bit of advice: it’s OK to not live up to your own expectations sometimes. Sometimes, they are just not realistic and it is smart to change them. I guarantee, nobody really cares. But I probably won’t be running out for salami and raisin English muffins any time soon, although maybe you should try it…..just for a change.

Families and Food: What Legacy Will YOU Leave Behind?

On By jodietitianIn Uncategorized1 Comment

soupA week ago my family lost our dad to cancer. Although it has been a sad time for all of us, there was something joyful about going through old pictures and reminiscing about all the good times he gave us. As the dust settles, and we all find ourselves trying to get used to the “new normal” as one wise person I know described it, a few food and eating topics came to mind that I should write about. I decided to first write about what I am going to refer to as a “food legacy”.

I had to be sure “legacy” was the right word, so I looked it up. According to the Mirriam-Webster dictionary:

Simple Definition of legacy

  • : something (such as property or money) that is received from someone who has died

  • : something that happened in the past or that comes from someone in the past

As we reminisced these past few days, I realized one of the most wonderful gifts my dad gave us were memories that revolved in some way around food and eating.We all had our funny stories about how he always gave the best parts of everything to his children (such as giving us the top of the broccoli while he took the stalks, the best part of the steak, the best piece of chicken, etc.). He put everyone first, always.

But besides his unselfish personality, my dad also was old school Italian which meant a family dinner every single night. All four of us children and my mom sat at the table where he first said grace followed by the serving bowls being put on the table. Even though my parents were not wealthy and even had times of financial struggle, there was always a family dinner. If often was something cooked in tomato sauce (my mom was Italian too). I often joke that when you don’t have much money, you can always throw whatever you do have in tomato sauce, sprinkle a little cheese on it, and voila! Hence, hot dog stew! Yes, hot dog stew was actually one of my dad’s specialties, made from fresh green beans, fresh carrots and potatoes, home made tomato sauce, and of course those hot dogs. Or it could be chicken cacciatore, rice and meat in tomato sauce, classic pasta with meat sauce, and of course every Sunday was meatballs, sausage, Italian bread and pasta with sauce after church. There was also the meat and potato meals, very simple but good. TV dinners were only a few times a year when my parents went out somewhere.

Besides family meals most nights, we also spent many a holiday at my grandmother’s or aunt’s house where the food traditions were reinforced. Always the Italian dishes along with gigantic fruit and nut trays, figs, olives and pastries. My parents started some of their own traditions such as a yearly picnic in August to celebrate the birthdays of my grandmother, my mother and my sister which were all within a few days of each other and also happened at the time of the month in August the Hot Air Balloon Festival was going on in the park next to my parents house. We would all make foods that would become everyone’s favorites as time went by. Michelle and her caramel brownies, my cream puffs, the watermelon fruit basket, my dad’s barbecue chicken, Paul’s pistachio salad, Fran’s spinach bread, Ernie’s clam dip, Karen’s beans and mom’s potato salad. As I got older and had my own children, I carried on these traditions and prepared much of the same foods so my children would be sure to experience it.  When my children were growing up one of the highlights of our day was always dinner time. No matter what it was, we all sat down together to eat it. If friends were over, everybody ate (it is true what they say about Italians, at least in my family, we always make enough to feed the army as my mom always says). Sometimes three kids turned into six. What I love about dinner time is it gives everyone a chance to really and truly connect. We connected about the food but also about what was going on in everyone’s lives. We talked and laughed and planned the future. Life was good growing up, and I tried to recreate that for my own children.

Today, things are different. Kids have cell phones, people are more electronically connected, both parents work, life is busier it seems. I have learned from the hundreds or probably thousands of families I have worked with over the years that family dinners are not always happening. Not everyone has the time or energy to keep family dinner and traditions in their lives. It may not seem that important at that moment when you are exhausted from a ten hour work day and you have ten minutes to get your son to baseball practice. We know family meals promote healthier children both physically and psychologically, but in my experience, especially after this week, I feel family meals are much more than that in a spiritual way. They can become a very important way to incorporate connection and meaning into a child’s life, even into an adult’s life.

If you are one of those busy parents or even if you don’t have children, live alone or with a partner, there is a way to start creating connection through meals and food. Some suggestions:

  • Look at your calendar ahead of time. Is there even a day or two when nothing is planned, no sports events, no commitments where you can plan a family meal?
  • Keep it simple. Even if it is take out food, plan to eat together.
  • Turn off all electronics. No cell phones, no TV, no eating in the bedroom. No distractions other than conversations.
  • Don’t allow arguing or discussing heavy matters at the table. Keep it positive. Ask about one great thing that happened that day. Make it enjoyable.
  • Ask family members such as aunts, grandparents or cousins for family recipes. All of my holiday cookie recipes I got from my Aunt Maryanne (she was the baker in the family, not my mom. I love my mother’s cooking, but her cakes looked like the leaning Tower of Pisa)
  • Start your own traditions. My neighbor has a yearly July 4th party to celebrate her mother who passed away then. We have been making “infused fruit” which we serve in our garden on tables with flowers and table cloths and classic music. We have rum raison bananas, grilled infused pineapple, Margarita melon balls, etc. People meander about enjoying the fruit, music and garden. Everyone loves it. As far as holidays, Christmas Eve is always baked stuffed shrimp, New Year’s day is lasagna.

I am so thankful for all of the wonderful memories my dad gave me. Memories around food and eating, the importance of family meals and celebrating together with food is a legacy he left that I hope to give to my family, too. What about you?

 

Lessons Learned From Being a Pea Pod for a Day

On By jodietitianIn Uncategorized1 Comment

Mrs. Arena 1.jpgI used to be known as “The Popcorn Lady” over 25 years ago. That was when my three children were in elementary school and I had received this authentic giant movie-popcorn making machine as a gift from their dad. It was wonderful! I would bring it to all of the “Fun Fairs” every year and got to know all of the kids. To this day, we still use the machine, although it is a bit worn, a few loose knobs and rust, but when you order the popcorn on line (it comes with a packet of yellow oil and seasoning) it is even better than the movie kind.

Anyway, there is a yearly “Marathon” event at the school I work at part time, a school with over 100 kids with special needs and over 100 staff. The marathon is not only a “run” where staff and children alike take turns running with the baton around a track to eventually make the 26 miles, but also a carnival, fun fair festival kind of day. There are clowns on stilts, a DJ playing music, kids dancing and playing with all types of lawn toys, crafts, sensory booths, healthy snacks, etc. and this year the popcorn booth. Well, besides being the popcorn lady, thanks to a co-worker who is as crazy as I am, I also got to be a pea pod. She got to be a carrot.

It was all fun and good until the popcorn ran out by late morning….luckily it was almost lunch break when the kids all go inside so I had time to run to the grocery store…but not much time. As I ran to my car across the campus, I had a decision to make: take off the pea pod outfit or not? Now mind you, the town where the school is tends to be an upscale kind of town with gorgeous restaurants and fancy shopping, and dressed up kind of people, and I am not talking pea pod clothes. Time was limited. I did what I needed to do. I drove to the store as I was, and as I got out of the car, it started. I realized at that moment how fun this was going to be! I just had no idea how people were going to react. The first reaction was a middle aged woman, nicely dressed in a fancy car next to me. She did not flinch. No smile. Nothing. Not sure I liked that, it felt weird. Maybe I don’t look that funny? But 5 seconds later, as I was walking toward the door, the elderly man who was retrieving the carriages, looked straight at me, smiled and yelled out, “I’m not even going to ask!!” Now that to me felt like a normal response. What would happen inside?

I couldn’t find the popcorn, that is what happened. So I had to walk around the entire store, it was a study in human psychology, and how people react to seeing a giant pea pod walking around the grocery store in the middle of the day. A young mom with a 3 year old in her carriage, looking for a loaf of bread, just looked up and gave a giant smile. Clearly, she didn’t know who the heck I was, but she thought is was funny (because it was!). Her reaction was pretty typical. What was not typical was the reaction from the middle aged woman who worked there, who I asked for help to find the popcorn. Again, she did not flinch. She did not smile. Maybe she was afraid? That was the feeling I got from her, and a few others. I could be crazy. Who knows what I would do? What do crazy giant pea pods do? They could be dangerous. That is how I felt.

By the time I got to the check out, got in line, with two women behind me by now, I felt a need to explain myself (the young cashier and bagger looked a little scared!). “I work at a school! We are having a fair today!” Finally, a few smiles. A sigh of relief from the well dressed women behind me. I got in my car, cranked the air (pea pod outfits are warm) and drove back to the school, thinking “wow”. That was interesting.

The rest of the afternoon was so much fun, I had help at my popcorn booth from a few of the awesome teens that go to the school. We chatted the entire time, they bagged the popcorn, and gave it out to their friends. I got to run one lap, and when the day ended, I felt so happy for so many reasons.

I then had to run to a doctor’s appointment for my dad. It was not good news. To make a long story short, that day made me reflect on so many things, and it took awhile to sort them out (not that I have yet), but I still wanted to share some lessons I learned that day.

  1. It is not always easy to TRULY be yourself. Even when you think you don’t care what people think, you probably do. It kind of bothered me when people were looking at me as if I might be crazy. I felt uncomfortable that someone might actually be afraid of me. I had to explain myself so they wouldn’t be. For me, walking into that store with that outfit on was not hard at all. I love costumes and I really don’t care what people think, but I guess I do care about how people feel.
  2. It feels to me that some people need to portray a certain “image”. Perfectly matched clothes, certain kind of car, whatever. It applies to bodies and body image also. In my life I have seen women especially keep talking about the same body part over and over, that they have been unhappy with for decades. Is this about portraying a certain “image” that we think is acceptable to society, or what? Arms are going to get saggy, necks are going to get wrinkly, tummies are going to protrude a bit, hair will turn gray or fall out, yet, we waste years focusing on these things. When you feel good, can eat and drink, can walk and talk, why do these things matter?
  3. When it comes to letting loose and experiencing joy, and all life has to offer, everyone is different. Not everyone feels comfortable tossing caution to the wind, having fun, getting messy, looking wrinkled, walking barefoot, dancing like a lunatic. Being one who prefers to do all of the above, I feel sad for people who can’t, but then again, we are all different. What brings you joy and contentment is what matters. For some that means sitting in a chair under the shade and watching all those crazy people toss off their shoes, dance to the music, wear funky costumes and be themselves. There is no wrong or right. Pea pod outfits aren’t for everyone.
  4. Working on a team is a gift. Wherever you work, whatever you do, if it is with others, you learn so much. Watching people of all ages get up before school opens to set up tents, water coolers, lawn toys, booths, paint their faces, dress up, cook, start running dozens of laps to be sure the kids complete a marathon, well, it was great. Making sure to capture every moment by running around the entire event with your camera assured that we would have memories forever (Thank you Laurel K!!).Every single person was selfless, it was all about the kids. It was a hot day, people were sweating, hair styles were limp, it was not easy. But you could see the absolute joy on the faces of everyone when that final lap was done. It struck me that what these disheveled sweaty people had given themselves (the gift you get when you give to others) was such a contrast from the people I saw that day in the grocery store…..who may have thought they had it all, but have no idea what they are missing. But maybe they do, they just dress nicer……which brings me to….
  5. You never know what someone is going through just by looking at them. I realized I was kind of judging people by their reaction to me and my pea pod outfit. Maybe they didn’t find it as funny as I did. Maybe they dress like that all the time, and it was nothing new. Maybe matching your shoes to your pocketbook makes you really happy. I admit, I am happy when all my nails are the same length…it doesn’t happen often. Meaningless for sure.The reality is people struggle with all kinds of things, some silly (or that you or I find silly, but they may not), and some serious. More times than you can imagine, I am in the middle of a visit with a parent and child, and eventually find out there are gigantic stressful situations the family is living through. Not one, but two autistic siblings at home, a brother incarcerated, a father with agoraphobia, and on and on. At first, it seems like just another family who needs some nutrition counseling, but then it turns out eating healthy is kind of last on the list. Yes, someone might be going through something and nothing can make them smile. You just never know.

I learned one more thing that day that is pretty funny. After all these years of ordering that popcorn, I apparently never looked at the label(what kind of dietitian am I! you might ask….one that hates reading labels). So when one of the teachers asked if it was healthy, I decided to look. Well, what a surprise! No trans fat, lots of fiber and actually pretty healthy if you ask me : )

Happy Memorial Day, thank you to my father, a former Marine, and all who served us. I hope you get to go barefoot, laugh, dance, or just sit and watch. But please remember to wear whatever makes you happy. If I had green shoes to match the pea pod you know I would have worn them.

Eating “What You Want”: Easier Said Than Done

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IMG_5635I was at a lovely outdoor graduation party yesterday  and happened to walk in on a conversation that was going on between a sweet young man in his 20’s and my husband. “She’s a dietitian, you should ask her”. Apparently, this healthy-looking but thin young man was trying to gain weight. He had been a runner in high school, now worked out but not as much, sharing that when he was lifting he was able to put on some weight. I went into my spiel about “listening to your body”, explaining how our natural set-point makes it difficult to change (our genetics) and that even if he tried to eat more or add protein shakes (what he has tried in the past), it would be hard to maintain due to the fact that it requires way too much thinking and also, just as with dieting, your body tends to compensate and do what it needs to so you will go back to where you are supposed to be. “But what should he eat? He doesn’t know!” my husband says. I looked at this guy and he says “he’s right, I don’t really know”. Oy. How did eating become so complicated for even a twenty-something year old male? I kind of understand, it makes sense that women, especially older women who have spent a life time dieting and not being happy with their bodies continue to try one diet after another, end up on and off restricting and overeating, but this just felt odd to me. I just wanted to say “Just eat what you want!” It struck me at that moment that people who don’t know much about nutrition and really do care about their health (and body size, which always seems to be the motivating factor to look into nutrition) really don’t know where to begin.

I started to share a few websites I thought might be helpful about nutrition as far as basic facts (such as how much calcium an adult needs, protein needs, etc) and I tried to convince him to let his body determine how big it is going to be once he finds an eating pattern that he is happy with along with a healthy lifestyle (which he already pretty much had). But I left that conversation feeling as though I really didn’t help him much. I also got a bit of a reality check when my husband commented “people can’t eat what they want, they are not dietitians, they don’t know!”

If you can relate to any of this, I hope to give you another way to solve the puzzle of being healthy and at the same time, “eating what you want”. In another post, Humming and Beckoning Foods I mentioned a book I read decades ago called “The Psychologist’s Eat Anything Diet” which I now feel was way ahead of the game because the science behind what the authors were recommending was not yet discovered. We now know our brains are regulated tightly by many neurotransmitters, or messengers when it comes to eating. We now know the physiological reason why when people cut out carbs they may end up craving sweets (which often leads to binge eating them). Anyway, even though we know this, people continue to diet and restrict because they really want to lose weight.On top of this, if you are someone who wants to be healthy, eating “what you want” is a scary proposition because you may fear (as my husband thinks) you would live on corn dogs. And that would not be good.

The truth is, although it is not easy, you could do both (eat what you want and also be healthy). One exercise I remember from the book was taking the time to really think about what particular food you wanted. You were supposed to wait until a “meal time”, in other words, you were not supposed to mindlessly nibble all day, you needed to get to a point of physiological hunger (such as lunch time). This alone would be a very hard thing for many people to do, since random snacking is common. Mindless snacking without hunger is a behavior many of my past patients needed to work on since this was not conducive to the “intuitive” eating they wanted to learn. Mindless eating is disconnected eating. So this exercise forces you to be “mindful” in that you really have to check in to see if you are hungry. Then, when you get to the point of hunger, instead of automatically making what you think you should have, or eating food just because “it is there”, you are supposed to really think about what you want. Do you want something cold? Hot? Salty? Crunchy? Sweet? The healthiness of the food was not what you were supposed to think about. When you chose your foods (let’s pretend it is a tuna fish sandwich), then you are supposed to put it on a plate (or in a bowl?) , sit at a table without distractions (no TV, cell phones and tablets and all that weren’t invented yet, but none of that kind of stuff), and eat. Paying attention to the taste, texture and pleasure of the food you were eating was key. Funny how now we know that for our “fullness” messengers to get to our brain to tell us we had enough, we need to look at our food and pay attention. Mindful eating is how our bodies function best.

This type of exercise is not easy for those who have a “good food/bad food” mentality. It might be scary and uncomfortable for some people, especially those with eating disorders to do an exercise like this, and that is why therapists often supervise these kinds of experiences (and if you are interested in working on mindful eating, but have an eating disorder, you should ask your therapist about it). For chronic dieters, or those struggling with mindless eating, it might be helpful to think about really paying attention to how often you don’t let yourself “eat what you want” but never do enjoy what you eat.

So is it true that if you eat just what you want that you might want to eat corn dogs everyday? The tricky part is combining “eating what you want” or “intuitive eating” with healthy eating. Ask yourself: how often do you REALLY have a food craving? Is it every single meal or snack? Probably not. By food craving, I mean that urge for something that is not in your presence at the time (so not those donuts you saw when you walked into the break room, that is a “trigger” or “beckoning” food and not a true craving). The more imbalanced your diet, the more cravings you are likely to have. If your serotonin levels drop because you avoided carbs all day you might find yourself craving pasta every night. However, if you eat a variety, then you may have less cravings. This is where educating yourself about healthy but yummy cooking and nutrition come in. I believe that it is good to know about eating healthy, simple things like including more vegetables and fruits that you really enjoy because we know they promote health (different than forcing yourself to eat broccoli every night, instead discovering you love garlic roasted asparagus or kale salad with goat cheese-my new favorite, I am talking yummy). Learning that you need protein to keep your blood sugar stable, so you don’t get cranky by 2:30 pm in the afternoon is good to know. There are many resources out there on general nutrition (unfortunately, most of them are obsessed with obesity, weight loss, etc), so try to ignore that lingo and pick out what you need to know. My favorite book as far as learning about getting in touch with your hunger and what/how to eat is Intuitive Eating so check out the website for more great information to help you on the way to “eating what you want”….but being healthy, too.

Just to clarify, if have any predisposition to heart disease, or genetically inherited hypercholesterolemia or hypertension, or diabetes, or any other condition that requires a special diet, then you really do need to think about what you eat. We are all different and all unique in our health needs, as well as our eating style, cultural preferences, dieting history, emotional eating, disordered eating, or any other issue that may affect our health. But tuning into your body instead of ignoring it can only help.

And my body says go get another cup of coffee : )

No, it is not an easy task, but if you are not happy with your current eating style, why not try?

 

What’s Keeping YOU From Blooming?

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IMG_7668After spending 3 hours buying plants at 4 different nurseries, then over 6 hours working in the garden, there’s lots of time to think. It was exhausting (but enjoyable) work, dragging gigantic bags of potting soil around the yard, filling pots, sticking plants in the dirt, watering, rearranging while my husband trimmed what seemed like endless bushes and shrubs that then needed to be dragged away into the woods. All this while running inside for a “break” from the sun to catch up on laundry, vacuum under the beds, change sheets, wash floors and dust ceiling fans. When you have been away for 3 weekends in a row, then are home for the first sunny Saturday in weeks, well, it is pretty hard to ignore all the dust you can now see clearly.

Finally, the time came, that long anticipated time to take a long hot shower, pour a drink and sit outside on the chair swing watching the sun set,and getting  to finally  admire all of our work. My husband and I pretty much collapsed on that swing, silent for awhile just looking around at the trees against the sky, and the colorful flowers in the new cobalt and turquoise ceramic pots I just bought thanks to a gift certificate from my daughter for Mother’s Day : ) “Isn’t it just so beautiful? I just love it! I love this time of year”, said me, the person who pretty much can’t contain herself when she is among the beauty of nature and flowers. “Stop bringing me down!” my husband joked, as he often does when I get super-happy over what most people seem to ignore. We had our discussion about the yard, what’s left to do and everything else under the sun. The peace and beauty of the yard, the trees, the birds, the sky all struck me as heavenly. My husband said something to the effect that heaven is supposed to be like earth (so he read somewhere), and I could understand why someone would believe that. Whenever I am in a garden, it pretty much confirms for me that someone much bigger than us designed all this. When you think about every single flower, they are all so different and unique, yet each just as beautiful as the next. Just like us.

Which brings me to Zootopia…….the movie. Friday night, we went out to see it. We were exhausted from the long work week but, it was an early movie. What does Zootopia have to do with gardening? Yes, I have a touch of ADD and I don’t meant to change the topic, but it all will make sense later. If you have not seen the movie, and are a big fan of diversity, you need to go see it. The movie characters are all different animals, yet they all get along in Zootopia…well, kind of. Just as all of the flowers in a garden are different yet beautiful in their own way, one of the messages from the movie is the uniqueness of each individual animal (person).

But sometimes,(back to humans)….people don’t quite know they are unique and wonderful. Sometimes people struggle. The problems and issues are different from one person to the next, but usually, they are not alone in what they struggle with as others have gone through some of the same things as well. But it never feels like that, right? When people are struggling, it often feels like they are the only one. For instance, when a parent brings their child to Feeding Team and tells us how worried they are because Johnny only eats 5 foods, can you believe it? What is wrong with him?! It is a relief for the family to hear that Johnny is not alone. We see one kid an hour just like Johnny. When a parent brings in a teenager, newly diagnosed with an eating disorder, who has been losing weight, now won’t eat with the family, stopped socializing, is impossibly moody, a parent feels scared and alone, helpless. When they learn they are not alone, this disease strikes many young girls and boys too, and there is help, a parent starts to look a bit more hopeful. When someone can’t get out of bed because of depression, or someone can’t stop eating, or turns to food for comfort, they often feel alone, as if they are the only ones with this problem. Even if cognitively they know other people go through it, for them, if feels different. Other people can deal with it and stop, but they can’t.

Many people I have worked with who have disordered eating (either restricting or turning to food and binge eating) tend to blame themselves. Those who have body image concerns tend to pick on themselves. Just the other day, in the garden shop where I was looking to use my gift certificate and pick out some pots, the middle aged woman who helped me kind of threw me. I could not budge the giant pot I wanted without struggling (and since I did not want to risk breaking it, I asked her for help). When she easily lifted it and placed it on a wagon, all I said was “wow, this job keeps you nice and strong! that is great!” Well, that was enough to trigger her to respond with “but I need to get rid of this stomach!” as she grabbed her middle. It’s everywhere. Instead of saying “Yes, I love being strong!” she was focused on the negative about herself.  Unfortunately, I don’t think this is unusual at all. As we pick on ourselves for one thing or another, someone else is admiring us. I do it myself with my curly hair. Growing up in an era when having poker straight hair like Cher was the ideal, my long curly somewhat frizzy Italian head of hair was torture. I ironed it, wrapped it tightly around my head at night with millions of bobby pins, blew dry it, gelled it, anything to de-frizz it and make it be more like everyone else’s. Why is it that when someone compliments me on “my beautiful curly hair”, something inside me just does not believe it? Yes, I have a much greater appreciation for the ease of my curly hair, and at my age, no longer care if I look like everyone else, but still, there is that nagging memory.

Picking on ourselves is not limited to the physical realm. Living in this day and age puts lots of pressure to live up to some crazy physical standard, yes, but I notice people don’t always see the wonderfullness of themselves in other ways.  They feel as though they should accomplish more (even my husband, at the end of a very hard working day yesterday said “well, I only got to 2 things on my list” as if working 9 hours doing yard work was not enough?). A co-worker was upset the other day because she did not meet her “productivity” goals of seeing a certain amount of patients that month. She really does not have much control over who shows up, and she loves working with her patients, and develops great connections with them, yet instead of focusing on the wonderful part of herself, she was really down about something she could not even control. Another co-worker only works part-time was upset at herself because she was not sure she did enough for a family. Yet, she always stays late, makes phone calls from home, and goes out of her way for everyone. She is a wonder-woman in my eyes, yet I get the feeling she does not even see it.

Then there are those people who have accomplished so much in life, yet they don’t feel like they have. They have overcome obstacles, gotten to a good place in life, but still they feel they should be doing better. What is that nagging feeling of inadequacy about? Isn’t it alright to just stay where you are as long as you are making ends meet and healthy and happy, and move onto something else when the time is right? Like when you no longer are feeling content and happy. That is a different story. Another friend of mine got to a place in her job where things had changed and she no longer enjoyed her work. She left work everyday feeling mentally drained and unhappy. It was time to leave. But not because she felt inadequate, but because she was in tune with her own need for joy in her life and would not settle for anything less. She was brave to make the change, makes less money but has no regrets. That is different than the person who likes their job, is happy at the end of the day, yet does not feel good enough.

Is there something you have been struggling with that you beat yourself up for every day? Do you feel as though you are the only one, and that something is lacking in you because you can’t fix it? You probably are not alone. So many people struggle with things, yet many of those same people do actually get through it. You can, too. Sometimes, people need help and support from others, specialists, therapists, family, friends. I think the first step is even just recognizing that something is wrong, knowing you are spending way too much time worrying about a problem or feeling “not good enough”. Admitting you have a problem is a better place to be than denying it. It is totally alright to go at your own pace as far as moving forward, staying still is always better than going backward I have always believed.

So…..is there something that is keeping you from “blooming”? You are as unique and beautiful as any flower out there, you just may not see it all the time. In the movie (which I LOVED) the tiny little bunny wanted to be a police officer. The police force was made of giant animals like elephants and rams, and bulls, yet there she was, fighting to prove she could do it, too. The message was, no matter how you see yourself, or how different you feel from everyone else, you really can do it.

Happy Gardening!

 

 

Weight verses Health

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scaleYesterday a co-worker told me about her husband who just found out he had high cholesterol as well as high blood pressure. She said he had gained about 20 pounds over the past 2 years and she wondered if that was the reason he was now having health issues. The stigma against body size verses health is one that can be very confusing. When we talk about a “health at every size” approach to weight, people often react and think we are crazy. Of course weight affects health, they say. To help clarify this confusion, I wanted to share this great post from Dare Not To Diet (dietitian GlenysO). As for my friend’s husband, he was told to start to exercise and to eat more fruits and vegetables. It sounded like his lifestyle was not too healthy, and the bottom line is even if his weight had not changed at all, he probably would have had his health issues due to the way he was living his life. If you are working toward being the healthiest you can be, but confused about the weight issue, be sure to check out this post! See link below:

What exactly does Health at Every Size® mean for my weight?

Source: Am I Healthy at Any Weight?

Normal Eating, Dieting and Weight:Finding Your Way Through the Jungle

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Finding peace with eating may take time, just like finding the perfect sea shell….but it is worth it

“Don’t listen to this Joanne” one of the teachers said as she walked into the office at work the other day. I knew immediately what the story was going to be. I knew it would be about food. I was right…..she proceeded to tell my co-worker about the peanut butter cheesecake she made for a baby shower. As well as she knows me, how could she still think of ME as the food police? But after I thought about it, I realized it is not about me, but about all of the cultural confusion about food and eating, and what normal is. Despite the increase in awareness that dieting does not work and intuitive eating is better, it is a mighty task to find a way to stand up to the utter illness in our society when it comes to food, bodies, weight and eating. This may sound extreme, but after you have been around for as long as I have I can say that (recently celebrating a BIG birthday to prove it…born in 1956, if you do the math, you will agree!).I have also spent years struggling to help those with eating disorders fight against the barrage of unhealthy messages coming at them from all directions each and every day.

Think about this scenario: Jessie is in her last year of college, but after losing too much weight and developing an eating disorder she has to take a leave of absence from school in order to get better. She attends a day program where she has group therapy, meals and snacks and also sees me for nutrition counseling. Jessie seems to get it that she needs to gain weight and eat more because she feels awful, is obsessed with food, is always hungry and now it has affected her life, having been forced to leave school. Although she is working through her issues, she is very confused about why she needs to gain all this weight back. Everyone she knows is dieting so why is it ok for them and not her? She lists some famous actresses along with their heights and weights (which are horrifying) and again wonders why it is ok for them? Plus, both her mother and her grandmother are on a low carb diet because they are trying to lose weight. On top of this, she watched Dr. Oz and learned some random things about certain foods and so now did not want to eat those anymore. Oh, and on the radio in the car the DJ was talking about some place that actually can sculpt your body to get ready for swim suit season….why can’t she do that?

How is this poor girl going to block all those unhealthy messages coming at her from all directions? There is such a thing as “normative discontent” which is just what it sounds like. It is pretty normal if you have something about your body that you just don’t love (great roots, for instance, curly hair, short legs, big ears, bulging tummy, you name it, we all have something probably). But we live with it, and don’t think about it that much and certainly don’t starve ourselves to change it. It seems to me we have become immune to what is happening in our world when it comes to food and eating and bodies, and slowly over the years it has become “normal” to talk about bodies, and avoid certain foods and exercise to lose weight (not for fun, not to feel good, but solely to change the body). It has become normal to praise people for body parts (either natural, genetic endowments-“she has such beautiful long legs”, or changes resulting from some drastic measure-“your legs look great since you’ve been going to the gym nine million hours a week”). It drives me nuts. Everywhere I go, every single day, it strikes me. In the car, on the radio, on TV, visiting friends or family, inevitable the talk turns to eating and weight and bodies and body parts.

So here I am, along with many other intuitive eating, “listen to your body”supporters, trying to help people live a life focused on what actually IS important, and it is very difficult. I feel like the odd man out most of the time. Even my own husband sometimes looks at me like I am a weirdo when I talk about this stuff. He does not understand why you would not want to compliment someone on achieving a weight loss. Unless you know a person well, it is dangerous to do this because we never know how the weight was lost, it could be through very unhealthy means and I for one do not want to compliment or reinforce anyone’s eating disorder. If, on the other hand, someone has done a lot of work to change an unhealthy lifestyle and now eating healthier and loving it (and maybe has lost weight) complimenting healthy changes feels ok to me. As a dietitian that is what I like to see if it is the goal of an individual to be healthier, and they are happy with what they are doing and it serves them well both physically and psychologically, that is different. But focusing on the body size alone is what most people tend to do, and that is the mistake.

As far as eating, I can totally understand why my mom calls me at least once a week to ask some pretty funny question about food. She watches Dr. Oz sometimes, and the news and so I often have to clarify. She also asks funny questions about what she cooked and if she can still eat it. “I made this beef stew on Sunday, is it still good? I hope so because I ate it!”Those questions I don’t mind : ) But sometimes she is triggered to start reading every label (lately, it is all about corn syrup…”that’s bad, right? But why? My gluten free crackers have it, does that mean they have gluten?”). Ugh.

And then there is the low carb craze that never seems to go away. You know what I mean, I bet if you go out on the street and ask every random stranger you meet if carbs are good or bad, you will see how we have been brain washed. Our culture just seems to love labeling foods. Is it good? Is it bad? I get that question all the time. “Joanne, kale is good, right? Potatoes are bad, right? White bread is bad, right? Is rye bread good? Are cheerios good? Are Froot Loops bad? It is 100% fruit juice, so that’s good, right? It is gluten free, so that is good right? ” You get the picture. No wonder we are all confused, the messages we get every single day are hard to ignore.

How do you see the forest through the trees? How do you know what to believe, and more importantly, what kind of relationship do you currently have with eating and food and your body, are you happy with it and content, or do you want to move in a different (and happier) direction? Then here is some advice:

  1. Remember, you are unique. Your eating style and lifestyle is a complicated matter that is unique to YOU. Your environment, habits and emotions all play a role. It may take time to unravel how each affects you. That is why one diet or another is not the answer. We are not all the same.
  2. Be kind to yourself as you go through your exploration of how you want to eat. You may feel that our culture judges you (trust me, every time I am spotted with a non-healthy food item in my hand, I get a comment, “your’re eating THAT! Aren’t you a dietitian???”). Remember, they are the crazy ones, not you!
  3. Be aware of the messages coming out of the mouths over everyone around you either on the radio, on TV, at work or even at home. Realize that you are being bombarded by messages you should question (and even stand up to if you have the inclination). On Facebook the other day someone shared how McDonald’s labeling of all of the calories was actually not helpful at all to those with eating issues, and many people agreed.
  4. Educate yourself about health and nutrition from reliable sources.I recommend even one consultation with a registered dietitian (preferably a Health at Every Size RD). There are some good websites such as Choose My Plate, but unfortunately, even reliable sources are slanted toward weight control, so be sure to put your own filter on it and ignore that focus. Stick with learning about what you need to have energy and feel good.
  5. One of my favorite definitions of “normal eating” is from Ellyn Satter. Check it out at What Is Normal Eating?  The important message is that it is not perfect : )
  6. If you are not able to get out of a rut of dieting and weight gain, or find yourself getting depressed about your body or weight or eating, get help. Ask your doctor about a referral to a therapist who specializes in eating issues. The sooner you get help, the better.

The bottom line is that eating and dealing with our bodies and weight can be a very complicated matter because of our cultural focus on dieting and weight and eating perfectly. Don’t accept everything you hear. Be aware of the amount of bombardment of these messages you get on a daily basis. In the end, you are the expert of your own life, and you get to decide how you want to live it.

As for that peanut butter cheesecake, I will share the recipe once I get it!!